03/30/2012

Dear You,

       Its Friday night shift. I'm sitting here wondering if you are starting to feel the pull that I am feeling. I miss you. I want to talk to you. I really wish I could hold your hand. I want some of your sunshine... but there's no point unless something changes.

       I am orienting a new employee tonight. She's really nice. She's 8.5 months pregnant, and ready to get that baby out! Our night is slow. Too slow. For lunch I brought pot roast, spinach, broccolli slaw, and a banana. I think about how you try to eat healthy, and that you'd be proud of my lunch. Is that funny? It kind of is, I guess.

       I was really cranky earlier today. I get so overwhlemed sometimes. I have to work 4 out of the 5 next night shifts, then try to sleep with my kids at home on spring break, which means I may not be getting much sleep at all. Every spare moment I feel like I have to take care of someone else. My job, kids, and my mom, and then I don't want to be social at all, because its another thing to prevent me from sleeping or relaxing or running. These are things I need to be healthy, and it seems like there is no time for them. I have to take care of everyone else. I've been feeling so worn thin that I worry its making my blood pressure high and I've been getting headaches and feeling sort of ill in an exhausted way, not in a sick way. I went to the doctor to get my lymph nodes evaluated again. He's sending me to a specialist. Is it awful that I really don't care if I end up having lymphoma? I'm so tired that I might even welcome the thought of finally being done with stress and just going to sleep for a long time.

       I guess if I ever show you these letters, maybe I should take that part out. We'll see. Maybe I'll never see you again. I hope I do. The thought of never seeing you again makes me feel horrible panic inside.

       I really want to schedule myself a vacation. All by myself. I think I will. I have time off from work in July and I just want a week somewhere nice by myself. Of course, I'd love it if you were there, but since you can't be... well, I just feel like I really need just one week of my life where I don't have to take care of anyone, and just enjoy creation and quiet and sleep as much as I want. I don't ask for much out of life, but I feel like what I do ask for is too much to have. So maybe I'll go, maybe I won't. I think I'll look at that tonight. Decide where I want to go and reserve something. If all else fails, and I can't go, I'll give the vacation to someone else, a friend, family. I've done that before. Don't want it to be wasted.

       I should get back to work. I'm type-rambling every thought that pops in to my head.

- Me

the first letter

Dear You,

      I am going to start writing you letters. Its so hard not to talk to you when I miss you so much. Its been one week since we said we wouldn't talk again. Its been 5 days since you wrote me a little story anyways. Its so hard not having you around.

       I bet you are working. I know that picture so well: you sitting at your computer, and the change in your facial expression when you look over to see me on video chat. What am I going to do with myself without you around? I'm going to try to run and exercise. I'm listening to the Bible on MP3 when I'm driving in the car. I'm trying to go out in service every chance I get. Too bad little guy is sick today and I can't go do anything. I'm keeping my house very clean.

       I can't listen to music. I know you want me to practice piano, but music creates emotion, and I can't deal with emotion right now. I can't even watch TV. Its just too hard to feel emotions when you are gone. So I just try to stay distracted.

       Today is rough for some reason. The hole you left in my heart feels more painful today than yesterday. I feel trapped. I need to get out of the house. I was looking forward to life when I talked to you everyday.  Everything felt hopeful and happy. Now I'm not sure what to look forward to. I'm not sure if there is anything. I need to go run outside, get endorphins, but I'm home with my kids and no one to watch them, so I can't go run in the sunshine like I want to.

       Do you think someday we'll be just distant memories to each other? I wonder if some day I'll show you this blog. I wonder if this will help me get through it or make it worse. I love you still.

- Me

Letters Begin

There are so many things I want to tell my best friend. I can't talk to him though. That's a long story. So I'm going to write him letters. Maybe I'll delete this page one day when I don't care anymore. Maybe someday I'll show him all of this. We'll see.

But today I want to talk to my best friend and I can't, so I'm going to write him a letter.