03/30/2012

Dear You,

       Its Friday night shift. I'm sitting here wondering if you are starting to feel the pull that I am feeling. I miss you. I want to talk to you. I really wish I could hold your hand. I want some of your sunshine... but there's no point unless something changes.

       I am orienting a new employee tonight. She's really nice. She's 8.5 months pregnant, and ready to get that baby out! Our night is slow. Too slow. For lunch I brought pot roast, spinach, broccolli slaw, and a banana. I think about how you try to eat healthy, and that you'd be proud of my lunch. Is that funny? It kind of is, I guess.

       I was really cranky earlier today. I get so overwhlemed sometimes. I have to work 4 out of the 5 next night shifts, then try to sleep with my kids at home on spring break, which means I may not be getting much sleep at all. Every spare moment I feel like I have to take care of someone else. My job, kids, and my mom, and then I don't want to be social at all, because its another thing to prevent me from sleeping or relaxing or running. These are things I need to be healthy, and it seems like there is no time for them. I have to take care of everyone else. I've been feeling so worn thin that I worry its making my blood pressure high and I've been getting headaches and feeling sort of ill in an exhausted way, not in a sick way. I went to the doctor to get my lymph nodes evaluated again. He's sending me to a specialist. Is it awful that I really don't care if I end up having lymphoma? I'm so tired that I might even welcome the thought of finally being done with stress and just going to sleep for a long time.

       I guess if I ever show you these letters, maybe I should take that part out. We'll see. Maybe I'll never see you again. I hope I do. The thought of never seeing you again makes me feel horrible panic inside.

       I really want to schedule myself a vacation. All by myself. I think I will. I have time off from work in July and I just want a week somewhere nice by myself. Of course, I'd love it if you were there, but since you can't be... well, I just feel like I really need just one week of my life where I don't have to take care of anyone, and just enjoy creation and quiet and sleep as much as I want. I don't ask for much out of life, but I feel like what I do ask for is too much to have. So maybe I'll go, maybe I won't. I think I'll look at that tonight. Decide where I want to go and reserve something. If all else fails, and I can't go, I'll give the vacation to someone else, a friend, family. I've done that before. Don't want it to be wasted.

       I should get back to work. I'm type-rambling every thought that pops in to my head.

- Me